My altar for Himself is a fucking disaster. This should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me, because I tend to accumulate clutter everywhere I go. My grandparents used to call me Pigpen because they could trace my path through their house based on the abandoned water cups and books I’d leave in my wake. This ridiculous habit is hardwired into my very being; my family hoped I’d outgrow it. I didn’t. The most used spaces in my house are crowded with Dunkin iced coffee cups, Starbucks espresso cans, and empty cigarette packs. I’m not particularly pleased with that last item — it’s not that I dislike smoking, it’s that I’m not keen on smoking inside my house, because ew. But I smoke like a fat man being cremated, and rather than wander outside and run the risk of making small talk with neighbors every hour (urban rowhome life, yo), it’s much easier to just hunker down by his altar with a book and my Camels and tar up my innards in quiet, climate controlled comfort. Clearly, my laziness overwhelms any sense of decency or shame I might possess. Meh.
This morning, I read a post in a heathen discussion group about the recent (public) rise in white supremacy the media. It, and the violence such ideology spawns, led the writer to have a crisis of faith; with racist groups and individuals identifying with the Northern gods and associated symbols, the writer expressed a need to possibly step away from heathenry. It was, as you can imagine, a sad post for me to read, and the ensuing comments from others who have similar feelings and fears were sobering.
These statements weighed heavy on me all day. Mostly because I don’t understand the sentiment myself, and I was trying to imagine what it’s like to have such a crisis of faith. Continue reading “Inclusive Heathenry”
Three (four? I have no concept of time any more) months into veiling, and I’ve no intention to stop any time soon. I find it to be unusually freeing even, and I’ve had a lot of endearing reactions to it. My friends unanimously agree that it suits me, and my energy is more peaceful as it certainly does as Sigyn says: it’s a metaphorical shield that steadies me, indeed. I feel safer, somehow, as if I being shielded from the hypothetically dripping venom allows me to focus on what matters in my devotions and day-to-day duties. It’s also making me think (even more) about terminology. Yup, we’re delving into this nonsense again. Continue reading “I’m as Bad at Titles as I am at Labels”
I’ve been thinking about anti-Loki stuff since my recent post about it and how far the American heathen community has come around lately. And I realize I usually blame Loki fear on the residual indoctrination of Christianity/monotheistic religions, because it certainly takes a lot of time and reflection and new experiences to shift one’s world view. There’s another factor, though, that scares people. Loki is a god of lies, but the point of his deceit is usually to force an uncomfortable truth. And that, my friends, can be much more frightening than simply thinking of him as a devil figure.
As more heathens become more proficient at shedding ideologies that are at odds with pre-Christian philosophies, the Noki mindset is fading. People are still scared, though, because it’s human nature to seek protection and security and prosperity. A lot of religions are based on seeking peace and stability. Loki…. Loki isn’t really the dude to call on for those things. He’s known for shaking up the status quo. He’s a chaos-bringer, world-breaker, a master of deceit to rile up the powers that be. That shit is scary and unwelcome in most people’s lives, and that’s absolutely understandable and relatable.
So how do I justify oathing myself so completely to such a being? Because I myself have known chaos and ruin, and while it’s miserable, it’s not without hope. When the turmoil kicks up, it broadens my perspective and allows me to see through the cracks at what’s on the other side. Complacency is dangerous: it breeds stagnation, which stunts personal growth, intellectual growth, and spiritual growth. The development of skills – be they physical or interpersonal – levels off. Daily life becomes redundant and glossed over. This is when we either feed ourselves lies, becoming arrogant because we think we’ve reached the pinnacle, or become blind to the truth: we’re not done growing, we’re not done learning, this isn’t as good as it gets. Continue reading “Fear and (Self) Loathing with Loki”
Things have been happening which have detracted from my “rambling nonsense” brand of blogging. Good things. Exciting things. Things that are going to make me rework my schedule so I can write more for this space. I love this blog and its mishmash of theology and personal idiocy, and I feel bad about not publishing much lately. However, there is good reason for this!
Thing the first: the day after I posted about perhaps writing a book about devotions to Loki and Sigyn, E messaged me with an irresistible offer. A friend of a friend was writing a book about pagan funerals, and she needed a heathen brain to pick for that chapter. We got to talking, the author and I, and she offered me the opportunity to actually write the chapter myself if I felt comfortable with the idea. What? Me be a contributing author (complete with mini author bio) to an awesome book about death and funerals?
I declined. Continue reading “Still Here, Y’all”
My dudes, dudettes, and everyone in between: I have been down a dark rabbit hole on the internet. Nothing like some home grown, good ol’ American Christian fundamentalism to cast a pall of existential horror over the new year. What. The. Fuck.
Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that fundamentalism of any kind is dangerous. I’m just focusing on Christian fundamentalism here because that’s what I’ve been reading about.
I blame Reddit. That site already sent me down the creepy path of researching Snapewives, so I’m not surprised that it’s also responsible for for my deep dive into learning more about some of the creepier sides of cult life. One of these days, I’ll learn my lesson. Most of the time, Reddit is an amusing way to distract my wound-up brain. Sometimes, though, it’s the gateway to Having a Bad Time.
Today’s foray into blogging is brought to you by a call for requests on my Facebook. Because I’m still slugging through the downward cycle of depression, I asked if anyone had any particular topics they wanted me to cover to keep me from turning this blog into a mope fest. I just received a cheeky comment to write what I’d just asked about on FB – “Just imagine making this post in a public forum 15 years ago,” a friend wrote in response to my “any questions about life with Loki?” query. “Imagine the crashing horde of keyboard warriors that would be surrounding your fort with flaming pitchforks.” And you know, he’s onto something solid. Because the last 20 years have been a hell of a ride. Brace yourselves, this is a long one. I’ve been heathen for decades, and I have a lot of personal history with this topic. Skim or slog, this is a retrospective in my experiences and reactions of the Loki Debate from 1999-present. Continue reading “The Road So Far…”
Feeling a little odd tonight. I’m still dealing with the depression and anxiety kicking up something fierce, but this time around, I’m making the concerted effort not to shut myself off from the God Squad. Last time I was in the abyss, I realized that just as I withdraw from people around me, I close off communication with the gods, and that’s when things get dangerous for me. I mean, how many times have I written about how my spirituality is the absolute center of my life? If the center cannot hold, everything else falls apart. Obviously. It’s like that’s a well-known saying or something.Continue reading “Fuck Off, Brain Beast”
I didn’t expect to have a bit of Loki-inspired writing so soon after posting something about breaking out of my comfort zone to do so, but here we are. I’ve been really, really struggling lately with my PTSD and anxiety, so much so that I had a series of intense, crippling panic attacks this past week. To be honest, I’m not sure if it was actually a series or just one really long one, but it was the worst I’ve had in years. Even when processing the news of my father’s suicide I didn’t have such a thoroughly debilitating event. But then again, I was able to afford the copays for regular treatment. I’ve been having a hard time financially this year, so I haven’t been able to see my psychiatrist or therapist since September, so I’ve been unraveling both physically and mentally.