Feeling a little odd tonight. I’m still dealing with the depression and anxiety kicking up something fierce, but this time around, I’m making the concerted effort not to shut myself off from the God Squad. Last time I was in the abyss, I realized that just as I withdraw from people around me, I close off communication with the gods, and that’s when things get dangerous for me. I mean, how many times have I written about how my spirituality is the absolute center of my life? If the center cannot hold, everything else falls apart. Obviously. It’s like that’s a well-known saying or something.
It’s bizarre this time around because I have company clinging to me even as a hunker down in the dark. Let me rephrase that: I’ve always had the company, but this time I’m not ignoring them. Which means I’m miserable, but there’s warm flashes of feeling absolutely loved, and instead of hearing nothing but my own hideous, cruel thoughts, I hear Loki’s responses, and Sigyn’s, and it’s just so damn weird because they are so much kinder and more encouraging than anything my brain would ever allow itself to think.
Of course, me being me and depression being depression, after the fuzzy happy moment is gifted, I feel guilty about finding comfort in it. Because depression lies, and it tells me I’m not worth hearing or thinking anything good about myself, and that I’m not worth liking, much less being adored by deities. Which is then usually followed by a “oh, fuck off, brain beast” Loki hiss.
And then I just feel crazy. Comforted, and supported, but crazy. And then guilty yet again, because gods have much better things to do with their time and energy than try to cheer me up when I’m struggling. There’s bigger things at stake in the cosmos, things that actually require their attention, things that are more interesting to their eon-weary minds. So I feel stupid for thinking I’m worth a diversionary trip for a bit of cheerleading. But still, the sensation of being safe and protected and cherished I get when I feel their presence… that’s worth holding on to, and that’s what’s keeping me from toeing the ledge of the cliff. And the overwhelming feeling of love for them that sets my heart and soul on fire is a powerful motivator. I have a duty to them, and as tired as I am of chronic pain and anxiety and of trying to get through my day-to-day every damn day, I feel that there’s too much I want and need to do for them first within the community. But fuck, I’m just so exhausted. So exhausted.
So yes. Very strange experience, this back and forth. I’m used to depression. It’s familiar territory I’ve navigated countless times over the years. But actually allowing Loki to navigate it with me? This is all new, and I’m somehow feeling more vulnerable than before because of it, ironically enough. I’m so used to going off grid and isolating myself completely, so I have no idea what to do with the energies I feel around me or the sweet, heartfelt encouragement I’m sensing and getting from Loki and Sigyn. I guess the first thing is to just accept the encouragement. Stop letting my depression discount the kind things I’m hearing, start throwing out a few “fuck off, brain beast”s of my own. I mean, now that I say it myself, I have to admit it’s hard to say it without a little bit of a smile.
Damnnit. Loki is such a fucking twerp. But I love him dearly for it. And I couldn’t be more humbled by or grateful for Sigyn’s friendship. I love her to pieces. I won’t be so gushy over that Ol’ One Eyed Bastard, but I’m glad for him, too. And the Crazy Cat Lady. And the others in my inner God Squad. To (badly) paraphrase a line from The 13th Warrior: “One god may be enough for you, but I have need of many!”
You’d think it wouldn’t be so hard to accept help when it’s freely offered, especially when it’s from those you love and with whom you have such a long history. I know my family loves me. I know my friends love me. And yet it’s difficult to think that gods could love me, even when they’ve given plenty of evidence over the years. I’m guaranteed to figure out how to rationalize those sensations away, to write them off as delusion, because I just don’t deal well with hearing good things about myself, especially when I’m hearing them in my head.
But hey, fuck off brain beast. Let me just have this moment of feeling safe and happy with my God Squad.