This marks my descent into stranger territories, which oughta be good because I haven’t exactly been trying to pass myself off as a stable, normal, well-adjusted creature in the first place. I mean, Lokian nun on the path to becoming a Gyðja, etc etc. I’m pretty normal for a religious nut, but, you know. Borderline fanatical AF.
I’ve written before that Loki has expressed attraction and interest due to my energy, whatever the fuck that means. The other week, I had a sit down with him and asked Himself about it. His response? “Bitch, you’re a witch. Learn to focus yourself.”
I’ve been some variation of Norse heathen my whole life, from heathen-lite as a child raised on the glory of Valhalla to the crazy-ass wannabe Gyðja I am today. I’ve always acknowledged magic in the universe and in religion, but I’ve never been a practitioner. Just never felt compelled to explore it. But lately I’ve been hyper-aware of tapping into energies around me and wanting to become more of an influencer on what’s going on in my own life, if that makes any sense. Stop being so passive, start taking control of what’s going on. So I wasn’t gobsmacked when the Trickster hit me with the above statement. And it makes sense, really. He’s the Enchanter, a Shapeshifter, a magician. Of course he’s going to make a push for me taking control of my life in a new way.
What does this mean? Fuck if I know.
He directed me to look at the notes I’d taken during my visit with the diviner after ECT. I’d been focused on my actual query regarding Loki’s post-blot proposal, and I’d marveled at Sigyn’s presence and advice, as well. All of the talk about “sometimes when you fall, you fly,” and “it’s fine to be kind and sweet, but don’t be afraid to bite.” And of course, the initial statement, “You’ve been offered the chance at ecstasy. Why are you hesitating to accept the proposal?” Lo and behold, on the third page of notes, there was a section about starting to make demands of the universe. I’d completely forgotten/ignored that part of the divination, because I thought it wasn’t particularly related to why I was sitting at my friend’s kitchen table. But I had a whole section of notes about learning to focus my energy and “making demands of the universe because the universe will listen.” And Loki was looking over my shoulder at the notebook, making self-satisfied little noises, because he’s a twerp.
I still have no idea what this means or what to do, but I suppose I have a lot of research and learning ahead of me. I’m not interested in Wiccan-eqsue spellcraft, but I’m drawn towards seiðr and trance work. I’ve always been a liminal creature; as an Army brat, I’ve always felt like an outsider (hahaha, I originally typed “outseidr”), and the constantly changing environments that a military upbringing provides has molded me into something of a shapeshifter. This came in handy as a funeral director: I was/am comfortable speaking and working with people of all backgrounds and attitudes, and they were/are all comfortable talking to me. I’m a slight empath, I think. There’s no other way to explain why people trust me almost immediately upon meeting me. At my current job, I’m the unofficial secret-keeper, to the point that I half-joke that I have dirt on EVERYONE and could do some real damage if I wanted. Strangers tend to share shockingly personal things with me out of nowhere; I’m not even surprised anymore when someone tells me the root cause of their PTSD or how many times they’ve attempted suicide while we’re standing in line at the bookstore. “It’s the energy you give off,” Loki says. “They know they can trust you because you exude compassion and understanding. Your whole thing is providing comfort to people, duh.” Fair enough.
Anyway, back to liminality: in addition to being an outsider/shapeshifter of sorts, I’ve always felt that my life is spent walking the line between life and death. Of course this is true in my role as a mortician, working with the dead as much as I do the living. It’s also a reference to the many, many times I should have died but somehow didn’t. My father was so violent I almost wasn’t even born, and he made it clear as I was growing up that he didn’t exactly enjoy the fact I existed. Also: crazy medical drama, including last year’s emergency surgery which ended with the surgeon asking my mom how I was still alive. Nothing like coming out of anesthesia to learn you’d literally been rotting on the inside. I’m not psychic, or even necessarily “sensitive,” but I notice ghosts. There’s two ghosts who reside in my house, and through research I’ve been able to identify who they are, and I found their graves entirely by mistake a few years ago. I’ve noticed several when working in the morgue, and a few of the funeral homes I’ve worked at were absolutely haunted (I’ve had enough shared experiences with coworkers to know I wasn’t making shit up). And lately, I feel as though I have more of a relationship with and better understanding of my grandpa Frank than I did when he was alive, now that my grandmother isn’t able to meddle.
I’m not sure what I intend to accomplish with this, but it’s at the forefront of my mind now (and explains why I’m suddenly drawn to veiling, and why Sigyn said the headcovering would be a form of protection; when I think about trance work or seiðr, I think of wearing a veil or something over my head). I suppose that’s a good thing as I need to learn about practices and methodology and self control before I actually attempt to “make demands of the universe.” No sense in trying to influence anything before I know what I’m doing. I’m crazy, but I try to be a responsible kind of crazy.
In other news, in a few days I’m off to Iceland. It’s been over 15 years since I’ve been on a vacation, and even longer since I’ve been out of the country; my medical issues have been such that all of my PTO is always used for sick leave. My mom is taking me, and bless her, she booked us rooms at the Hotel Odinsve, which is right down the street from Cafe Loki. In addition to glacier hiking, ice cave exploration, and drinking copious amounts of coffee at Cafe Loki, a big goal on this trip is to find a nice bowl for Sigyn’s Ve. Odd kind of souvenir, but my mom is game for helping me find the perfect bowl for my altar and for the Ve at ECT.
Perhaps being in the land of the sagas and fire and ice will help me to focus myself and figure out what I’m doing. My mom isn’t heathen, but she’s very pro-Loki and very supportive of my interest in studying to be clergy, and she’s always thrilled to see pictures/hear about the escapades of my kindred. Perhaps she’ll be able to offer some insight as well, help me figure things out. Maybe I’ll have a new epiphany while floating in the Blue Lagoon or while wandering across the countryside, marveling at the raw nature and power of the land.
As usual, I have no idea what’s up, but I trust Loki and Sigyn completely, and I’m always open to learning and opening myself to new experiences. If nothing else, my life has always been an adventure, so what’s one more? I have the distinct feeling that this time around, they’re pushing me to practice rather than bury my nose in books. I know my guides, have known them for a long time, and one of my tattoos is even a likeness of the specific fox that comes to me in meditation. I’ve got foxes tattooed on my right side and my left side, on my back, and a fox bindrune on my front. I’ve got my horde to accompany me, I suppose. I’ll be in good company as I learn.
Here’s to new journeys and new horizons.