Twenty years ago, I was in my final semester of undergrad. Senior burnout was creeping and tightening its hold on me, as is tradition. At the time, I was an Óðhinnswoman who was already annoyed by Loki’s persistent presence. He was always lurking in the background, especially when I was trying to communicate with Ol’ One Eye. In the journal I kept, I lamented the exhaustion and frustration that plagues seniors as the end hovers in sight, but remains just far enough away with just enough obstacles in place to drive one mad. In that journal, I wrote, “Thanks to Loki’, I’m not going to ‘burn out’ like everyone else– I’m going to burn up!”

That’s kind of what I’ve felt like these last few years. That’s why I more or less vanished. I’m sorry for going dark so suddenly and for so long. I’m back now, I think. Careful what you wish for!

I’m thrilled and humbled that the book has had such a great reception by the community, but I got very overwhelmed very quickly by the deluge of support and enthusiasm. I don’t do well with attention so I retreated from, well, everything. I was exhausted from the writing, editing, and anticipation, and when the book finally came out, I was burned out. Basically, I have the worst kind of personality to be a published author. I like to write and share my story, but I panic and shut down when it seems like someone wants to, I don’t know, talk to me about it. I’m just some schmuck, and the last thing I want to do is build up some sort of cult of personality or name for myself or make it sound in any way like I have the answers on How Things Should Be Done. I don’t. All I can do is laugh about how weird my upbringing was and how weird my life is now, and blame Loki for a lot of it just because that’s how I show affection to my gods. If the “aaahhh, attention, gotta hide” and “I’m emotionally stunted enough that I express adoration through possible verbal abuse” are any indication, I’m a truly well-adapted individual. Maladjustment? Me? Nah.

ANYWAY, I was also burning up– the release happened right when I took a new position in the company I’ve worked at for a while. New job is right up my alley and I’m enjoying it, but it takes way more out of me than the previous position. So I’ve not had much mental energy for writing. Compound that with the way my psychiatrist and I have also been futzing about with my antidepressant dosages, and you’ll hopefully understand how it all leaves me with no emotional energy for engaging in anything social, be it online or in person. So it goes.

Also, ferrets. K and I are the proud ferrents to a pair of chaos goblins, so when I’m at home, I’m playing with ferrets or napping with cats. I’m very good at being reclusive, and our household of critters keeps me well distracted from the feeling of being overwhelmed, burned out, and burned up. I will gladly share more about the wee beasties and why they’re ideal pets for Lokians in an upcoming post. I’m using the chance to squee about them as bait to lure myself back here to write and post again to rebuild the habit of being present in spaces outside of work and home.

None of the above is an excuse for why I abruptly disappeared, but I hope this offers some explanation. I’m finally starting to level out a bit with regards to brain meds and balancing work-induced exhaustion, but as much as I’d like to promise I’ll be writing and engaging socially on the regular… I can hope for it, but I can’t promise it, unfortunately. The last few years have been a lot for me to handle, but I’m not giving up on my desire to keep writing and reconnecting with beloved friends and the heathen community at large.

That said, I’m sad to confirm that I won’t be at the 2024 North East Thing (f.k.a. ECT – that’s another post, with exciting news about how parts of the book are already obsolete!) – I simply can’t afford it. A few things have changed this year in regards to income (*ahem* stupid health insurance premiums increasing dramatically and leaving my earned income in the dust. And inflation rapidly outpacing wages), and it’s a struggle making ends meet lately. Here’s hoping I’ll be in a better position to attend N.E.T. in 2025! I miss y’ all so damn much, and I yearn to just sit around a fire in the middle of the woods with a bunch of damn dirty heathens. Fuck capitalism and corporate greed; we all deserve to have a little break from the constant stress and existential dread that oozes through workplaces the world over. Bah.

Also, I’ve been locked out of Messenger for quite a while now. So to anyone who’s tried to message either my personal or author page accounts, I’m so sorry! I can’t access anything because it’s demanding a PIN that doesn’t exist. That’s being a Lokian for you-when I finally had the fortitude and the spoons to check social stuff, the platform hit me with a Mobius strip of PIN-related nonsense, so access is denied. I have no excuse for why I haven’t responded to emails, though. I’m just horrible at correspondence and tend to avoid emails that don’t pertain to the tracking info for my coffee subscriptions.

So no, I’m not out of the fire yet. Still trudging through the flames of work, physical health concerns, and mental health exhaustion. But I think the fire’s starting to ease up, or maybe I’m just getting used to the heat. There’s so much I want to write about, so much I want to share. But at least I’ve crossed the first hurdle of logging in here and sharing something.

So hi, I’m still alive and still living a Loki kinda life, and still hoping to write about the various thought-exercises, stories, reactions, and general fuckery that is being a Lokian.

Burn-out is real. Burning up is not recommended. But when have I ever been one to follow sage advice?

Love and laughs,
The crispy, chargrilled husk of a cranky middle-aged Lokian.